Snarkta Claws Came! Gifts All Around!

It was X-Mas morning and JD was so excited he actually threw Suzie and Ty into the pool that he could be first to the Rocker Tree...

JD: Yay yay yay!!! Santa came!!!! I wanna open first!!!

Suzie: Waaaaah...I'm all wet now!

Ty: You know, my people get no respect when it comes to Christmas!

JD was the first to get the tree and open his presents...but he wasn't terribly happy with he got for Santa Claus hadn't come. Snarkta Claws had come instead; she brought presents for all the rockers and even took the time to attach a personalized note for each:

JD: Remember this bill you signed for some hapless fan? Maybe you should have kept it for yourself; you shouldn't bow-down to others just cause they got cash - that's what whore's do an you don't wanna be a whore do you? Or do you? -- Thought you might like a pic from your earlier rocker days as well...before I send it out to the tabloids that is.

Marty: I've given you yet another guitar as you seemed to have taken a liking to smashing any that have the grave misfortune of entering your hands...in fact, I bet you've already smashed this one. Is it some sort of subliminal messaging? "Look I'm smashing a guitar which is made of wood...wood comes from trees...Trees is a song by my band...buy my shit"? - Your other gift is a promise to buy your CD...clearly your guitar-smashing advertisments have worked.

Jordis: A picture of Marty so that you can look at itwhenever you like (preferably when your boyfriend isn't around) and remember all the goods times you no doubt had with him in the shower - on camera or off. The second gift was a promise that I already broke not to joke about the countless hours of crazy animal sex you probably had with Marty while at the mansion...sorry. I'll buy your CD to make up for that.

MiG: A complete set of nicely made, collared, long sleeve, botton-down shirts because you don't seem to have any and I'm a strong believer that men need these shirts for...oh, I don't, going out in public. Pleae don't "make these your own" by remvoing the buttons or using them as jackets, they are shirts and only the top two buttons may be unleft undone. Your second gift is a place for you to call home...a stage. I do enjoy your voice and, on occasion, your looks but your performances - for better or worse - belong on the stage and only on the stage. I'd figured I'd cut out that "I wanna be a rocker" middle road and put you back where you belong - the theatre.

Deanna: You get bra's because, like MiG and his shirts, you don't seem to have any. They are supportive and laced - so you can still claim glam-girl status if you want - and a must for your poor titties that you allow to flop about. I'd hate for you to knock yourself out mid-performance some day because you're not keeping "the girls" in check. I've also enclosed some barrettes because you still seem to have that little-girl need to put pretty things all throughout your hair - bet you got X-Mas tree tincel in there right now.

Ty: When you left the show you made a comment that implied African Americans were not respected in rock...I give you pictures of such "disrespected" individuals - Jimmy Hendrix and Prince. Do you recognize these two men? If you do, then I've made my point and if not, then get your head outta your ass and research your own race's many contributions to the art of rock.

Heather: First off, if you have any more space on your skin here's a design for your next butterfly tattoo. Second, I'd hate to think that you might suck at a performance due to a cold/sinus infection again so here's so cold-eeze to carry around in your purse. You go, Butterfly Girl!

Brandon: For you, a ladder so you can climb up to the status of homo-sapien and a picture of your family so you can remember them when you get to your new position.

Neal: Do you recognize this? It's called a sandwich...eat it! You're way too skinny, I think sometimes you're too busy pretending to be Mick Jagger You've also got a ProteinPlus PowerBar so you can get some energy.

Suzie: You get a box of kleenex and a bottle of water. The kleenex is for when you cry - which is always - and the bottle of water for when you inevitably dehydrate yourself from all your crying - which is very very soon.

Wil: A small picture of your idol, Ryan Seacrest...this is who you copied your look from, isn't it? I really hope so, I'd hate to think you came up with that look all on your own.

Dana: A picture of all the rockers - you got kicked off so early you probably didn't even get to learn their names so go around now and learn woh these wonderfully strange people you're hanging out with are.

Jessica: I know you love to show off your body...and rightly so as it's somewhat impressive (you bitch) and it can get really hot performing on-stage. But I also know that, in everyday life, you're from Chicago which can get really cold and I'm worried that, wearing the things you do on-stage, you're going to be mistaken for a weather-sensitive retard and/or a hooker so I'm giving you a trench coat. Please wear it whenever you're not on-stage in the winter...actually, keep it on all the time, it can be your new "thing", as opposed to your old "thing" of dressing like a stripper.

Daphna and Tara: Look, I barely remember you two - you blended in my mind into one big mass of unkept hair. Because of this I got you a packet of ponytail holders to share in hopes you'll put your individual hair back so maybe, should I come acroos either of you again, I'll be able to distinguish the both of you individually. Forget the price tag, it's the thought that counts!

INXS: You get get nothing! You choose your gift in choosing JD as your pet/lead singer...enjoy!

Dave Navarro: You got your extra 5-10 minutes of fame in being on the show and still maintain the strange ability to seduce chicks that are way outta your league, what more could you possbily want? ...Jessica? Okay, but I get 25% of the "proceeds" and there's no mention of this ever again.

Brooke: You get what Jessica gets, for the same reasons Jessica got hers (except for the Chicago part).