Learning Rockin' From Marty

Convince people you're crazy 'cause nobody fucks with crazy! The trick is not to be too crazy...you don't want people to think "oh gawd, get this crazy fucker off the show before he hurts someone" a la that dude from the very first Big Brother who got smashed and decided holding butcher knives to chicks' throats is wicked fuckin funny. No, no, you want to be "kinda" crazy like maybe you are and maybe you aren't and it's up for others to decide. During performances you should suddenly spaz out and start screaming like a banshee and, if all possible, stuff your mic in your ass-crack and start climbing shit. If you get Tommy Lee to raise his eyebrows you've got it...If you get him to call out, "Wow! Your fuckin' nuts!!!" you've gone too far.

Be a little nerdy...not too nerdy though. You wanna look smart and "together", not like you need a big kid to give you the wedgie of your life (Of course, we know giving Marty a wedgie ain't even an option, but pantsing him is...OH! Now there's a thought!). Being a little nerdy can also make the other contestants look like immature losers as they choose to sleep the day away instead of learning that new song you'll all hafta song in the studio of the next day (JD). Oh, and if at possible, let the home audience see you work on a piece while wearing glasses...it reminds them of that really cool and sexy professor they wanted to bang as an undergrad - they'll totally vote for anyone who reminds them of their days of college lustin'.

Make sure the judges know who's the boss, you! Sure, they're calling you the "contestant", but who needs the lead singer - they do! Not don't, you already are one - fuck, you could already have a band waitng for you to loose and come back home. So you let these new judges know that and then tell them exactly what they should do with their band...no, YOUR band. This tactic, however, sorta backfired with Marty cause the INXS guys seemed terrified by the thought of change (I swear I was waiting for Tim to stare at Marty with bug-eyes and state blankly, "we fear change"). Thankfully, though, these new judges aren't old fogies and if Tommy Lee's the new "leader" like he's being billed as speaking of radical change may work out cause everyone knows that Tommy loves to "mix it up"! Just be wary of Tomy's said love of "mixing it up" as a chick cause while you're thinking music styles he's thinking sexual positions.

Master the polite ignore cause you're gonna need it. Everybody's gonna have an opinion about what you should do and how you should do it and, mostly, they're just fucking wrong. Of course, you can't just go around literally telling people to go fuck themselves, you need to find a more polite and TV-friendly way of doin' - the polite ignore is that way. Of course this works when those of the opposite sex hit on you as well. As a guy you may hafta do it when one of the female contestants tries to sneak into your bed at night...or accidently walk into that gay bar (yes, I know Marty, that bar used to be a gay bar but it wasn't when you went there - but it's funnier my way so shut the hell up). and if you're a chick with even the slightest amount of flesh exposed your gonna need to do this even more cause these new judges can get erections.

If you're a dude and you're gonna cry, be a man about it. No one wants to see the guy-liner streaming down your faces as you sob uncontrolably...leave that shit to the Suzies of the world. Generally the thought is to avoid crying altogether if you're a guy, but you'd be surprised what the power of allowing that single escaped tear to roll down your face can hold...to the ladies you'll appear vulnerable and in touch with your "softer side", which are both total turn-ons. And to the guys? Well, if you usually keep your shit together than they'll most likely forgive the moment of "weakness" and simply appreciate you didn't cry "like a little bitch". The judges? ...Something tells me each of them have balled like babies into a bottle of Jack at least so I doubt they'll complain about your manly silent cry.

If you're still concerned about the time you got a little emotional hurtin' your street cred just start breakin' shit! No one's gonna call ya a pussy if you start smashin' guitars and screaming "eleeeectrrrric" in gruff deep voices. Don't worry about these new judges thinking you're irresponsible like Andrew Ferris seemed to be when Marty did it (I saw that concerned look Andrew, you couldn't hide it) cause these new judges - washed out as they are - are all about the harder side of rock. Oh, and the audience loves when you break things...it makes them feel like they're around someone a little dangerous and really cool. ROCK!!!

I'm sure the vast majority of you are currently screaming at the computer, "Where's the Eye Fuck?!? WHERE'S THE EYE FUCK?!?". Well, here's the thing folks, this technique takes years to perfect (Marty's been perfecting it for about 15+ years) and an intense sexuality that not all people have. Tthe last thing I want is for every other contestant on the new season to try and do this - especially considering I intend on watching the show! I'm not givin' anyone the license to try and do this cause I don't like the feeling of being eye-raped via the TV screen every other night this summer - I got enough of that shit thanks to JD, Wil, and MiG last summer. Oh, and by the way MiG, you're not sexual so stop trying to eye-fuck me when you have no eye-dick...uh oh, went to that weird place again....Damn you MiG.