Fraggle Rockin'

Marty: Ya know, I swear Hit Me Baby, One More Time is the worst song I could have ever been made to sing.

Bobby: Nah ah, there are way worse songs man!

Billy: Yeah. I mean, do you have any idea how many times I've had to sing I'm a Little Teapot for my kids? Marty: Ooo, yeah, that's pretty bad...

Kid: I like the Fraggle Rock song!

Marty: Heh heh, oh yeah?

Kid: Yeah! Sing Fraggle Rock!!!

Marty: Uhhh...

All Kids: :chanting: SING FRAGGLE ROCK!!! SING FRAGGLE ROCK!!!

Billy: I smell a mutiny...you better sing it, Marty.

Marty: Oooo okay...

Bobby: Are we seriously going to do this?

Bilyy: Haha! Rock on!

Marty: :sings: Dance your cares away, worry's for another day. Let the music play, down at Fraggle Rock!!!

Bobby: :thinks: I can't believe we're actually doing this song.

This was inspired, in major part, by a thread at MartyCasey.org about what songs could Marty have been made to sing that would be worse Britney Spears's Hit Me Baby, One More Time...there are many great suggestions should anyone choose to look. Fraggle Rock was my idea cause I fuckin loved that show! --Tooks ;-)

Photoshoot Fart

Cameraman: You guys set? Here we go...

Marty: ...Aw, man, who farted?

Dino: :giggles:

Bobby: Jesus Christ, Dino.

Billy: Guys, can we just get this over with?

Dino: :laughing: Oh god...sorry guys...seriously...

Bobby: What the hell is wrong with you?

Marty: Couldn't you have just held it in?

Billy: You suck...all of you...

All the boys burst into laugher.

Cameraman: :to self: This is gonna take all night.

Okay, admittedly this one is really old but I've never put it up here before. That and I've been in the hospital for days...I'm tired, sick, and no longer allowed to enjoy the pleasures of morphine so I'm in pain and have, like, zero energy at the moment so I've put this one up. I realize it's not fabulous (certainly not one of my best) but it's basically a fart joke and I have a strong belief that, no matter who you are and where you live, a fart joke is at least kinda funny. --Tooks ;-)

Lernin Rokin Frm JayDee

Claim that, unlike those other guys, you know the band's songs cause you love them. It doesn't matter that each of the judges comes from a completely different band and that they've probably all cycled through 2-4 bands in their career because you don't actually have to know any of their songs anyway, you just have to say that you do. You objective here is to snow the judges and piss off your fellow contestants - neither of which is likely to be hard. It's also important that, when given a newly created song by the "band" you not learn it...you said you loved their back-catalogues, not their new shit!

Be one of the first bottom three - hey, look folks, Sobbing Suzie McNeil's there too! In fact, be in the bottom as often as possible, even when you to get the home-audience selected encore, be in the bottom three! (Now ya'll know why I generally think JD fans are morons...you voted enough to get the guy an encore but not enough to keep him outta the bottom 3, wft?) The bottom 3 should remain your comfort zone throughout the show, it keeps you as the underdog and everyone likes the underdog! That and the judges won't ever be nervous about you overshadowing your greatness cause clearly the voters think you suck!

Work poorly with others and when your peers refuse to take everyone of your suggestions like it was a gift from the rock gods stop working with them altogether. Clearly if they can't see the beauty of "It ain't pretty after the show/It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you with no place to go" than clearly they ain't worthy of kissing your left nut, or your right one for that matter. ...It's not like being in a band requires any sort of collaborative effort anyway.

Always brings a glittery prop to your performances. First of all, everyone likes shiny things! Secondly, those who like shiny things the best are "slow" people and with all the liquor, drugs, and other shit these judges have done you just know their brains have slowed to the point where shiny things can give them endless hours of amusement - they'll probably hire you just becuase your toy has entertained them so much. Also, you've proven that you're not just musically creative, but that you're also artistically so...in the kids' camp arts 'n' crafts project sorta way. Oh, and speaking through a megaphone totally clears up your voice....yeah, you won't sound like a deep throated retarded monkey at all...nope. -- How the fuck did anyone think JD doing something cool by pulling that shitty thing out? ...It's a fuckin arts 'n' crafts project folks! Oh, oh, and did anyone noticed that thing got more elaborate and bigger as the show went on? Anyone think JD mighta been using it as some sorta pseudo-dick to make up for the possbile tininess of his real one?


Get sexual with everything that passes you by...women, men, microphones or whatever's handy. You might be worried that you'll appear slutty and a crazed sex-fiend...well, you will. But that's what you wanna look like! As a chick, being slutty will get you everywhere with these judges...if they think they can bang ya, they'll keep ya around. And as far as the viewers at home are concerned...if you can give a guy a boner through the TV you've pretty much got his vote til the end. As a guy...yeah, I actually have no clue how giving your mic a blowjob works towards you as a guy cause none of the judges are gay. I think it has to do with all the desperate single women that might watch the show, get alittle moist, and inexplicably decide to vote for ya. ...Of course it could just be because it reminds the judges that you'll suck cock to get the job.


Present yourself as a cross between a giant douche and a shit sandwich. Douche-y facial expressions & clothes + shitty overall attitude = BIG WINNER!!!! I have no clue why this equation works, but it did for JD so ya might as well go for it! --Yeah, I was just lookin for a reason to call JD a douche-y shithead and now I have so I feel accomplished. PS: the mispelling of the title is intentional, heh heh.

So...that's it for the RockStar Tips! Not sure what I'm gonna end up working on next yet. There's the possbility for a Hammerhead Dictionary, but that's sorta a big project so there'll probably be so other, smaller, PicFics before then. We'll have to see... -Tooks ;-)

Learning Rockin' From Marty

Convince people you're crazy 'cause nobody fucks with crazy! The trick is not to be too crazy...you don't want people to think "oh gawd, get this crazy fucker off the show before he hurts someone" a la that dude from the very first Big Brother who got smashed and decided holding butcher knives to chicks' throats is wicked fuckin funny. No, no, you want to be "kinda" crazy like maybe you are and maybe you aren't and it's up for others to decide. During performances you should suddenly spaz out and start screaming like a banshee and, if all possible, stuff your mic in your ass-crack and start climbing shit. If you get Tommy Lee to raise his eyebrows you've got it...If you get him to call out, "Wow! Your fuckin' nuts!!!" you've gone too far.

Be a little nerdy...not too nerdy though. You wanna look smart and "together", not like you need a big kid to give you the wedgie of your life (Of course, we know giving Marty a wedgie ain't even an option, but pantsing him is...OH! Now there's a thought!). Being a little nerdy can also make the other contestants look like immature losers as they choose to sleep the day away instead of learning that new song you'll all hafta song in the studio of the next day (JD). Oh, and if at possible, let the home audience see you work on a piece while wearing glasses...it reminds them of that really cool and sexy professor they wanted to bang as an undergrad - they'll totally vote for anyone who reminds them of their days of college lustin'.

Make sure the judges know who's the boss, you! Sure, they're calling you the "contestant", but who needs the lead singer - they do! Not don't, you already are one - fuck, you could already have a band waitng for you to loose and come back home. So you let these new judges know that and then tell them exactly what they should do with their band...no, YOUR band. This tactic, however, sorta backfired with Marty cause the INXS guys seemed terrified by the thought of change (I swear I was waiting for Tim to stare at Marty with bug-eyes and state blankly, "we fear change"). Thankfully, though, these new judges aren't old fogies and if Tommy Lee's the new "leader" like he's being billed as speaking of radical change may work out cause everyone knows that Tommy loves to "mix it up"! Just be wary of Tomy's said love of "mixing it up" as a chick cause while you're thinking music styles he's thinking sexual positions.

Master the polite ignore cause you're gonna need it. Everybody's gonna have an opinion about what you should do and how you should do it and, mostly, they're just fucking wrong. Of course, you can't just go around literally telling people to go fuck themselves, you need to find a more polite and TV-friendly way of doin' - the polite ignore is that way. Of course this works when those of the opposite sex hit on you as well. As a guy you may hafta do it when one of the female contestants tries to sneak into your bed at night...or accidently walk into that gay bar (yes, I know Marty, that bar used to be a gay bar but it wasn't when you went there - but it's funnier my way so shut the hell up). and if you're a chick with even the slightest amount of flesh exposed your gonna need to do this even more cause these new judges can get erections.

If you're a dude and you're gonna cry, be a man about it. No one wants to see the guy-liner streaming down your faces as you sob uncontrolably...leave that shit to the Suzies of the world. Generally the thought is to avoid crying altogether if you're a guy, but you'd be surprised what the power of allowing that single escaped tear to roll down your face can hold...to the ladies you'll appear vulnerable and in touch with your "softer side", which are both total turn-ons. And to the guys? Well, if you usually keep your shit together than they'll most likely forgive the moment of "weakness" and simply appreciate you didn't cry "like a little bitch". The judges? ...Something tells me each of them have balled like babies into a bottle of Jack at least so I doubt they'll complain about your manly silent cry.

If you're still concerned about the time you got a little emotional hurtin' your street cred just start breakin' shit! No one's gonna call ya a pussy if you start smashin' guitars and screaming "eleeeectrrrric" in gruff deep voices. Don't worry about these new judges thinking you're irresponsible like Andrew Ferris seemed to be when Marty did it (I saw that concerned look Andrew, you couldn't hide it) cause these new judges - washed out as they are - are all about the harder side of rock. Oh, and the audience loves when you break things...it makes them feel like they're around someone a little dangerous and really cool. ROCK!!!

I'm sure the vast majority of you are currently screaming at the computer, "Where's the Eye Fuck?!? WHERE'S THE EYE FUCK?!?". Well, here's the thing folks, this technique takes years to perfect (Marty's been perfecting it for about 15+ years) and an intense sexuality that not all people have. Tthe last thing I want is for every other contestant on the new season to try and do this - especially considering I intend on watching the show! I'm not givin' anyone the license to try and do this cause I don't like the feeling of being eye-raped via the TV screen every other night this summer - I got enough of that shit thanks to JD, Wil, and MiG last summer. Oh, and by the way MiG, you're not sexual so stop trying to eye-fuck me when you have no eye-dick...uh oh, went to that weird place again....Damn you MiG.

Learnin' Rockin' From MiG

Be nice...be really nice....be really really nice. Be so nice that people can't help but vote for you because you're so fucking nice. Be so fucking nice that you're practically a saint. But always make sure that, if you take this route, you're actually nice cause if you're not and people find out, you're fucked (JD). -- PS: Did any one else notice that Marty's head casts a shadow over MiG's crotch? No? Well I bet you'll notice now. Haha!

After an exceptionally intense performance be sure to collapse. This will show how you will, literally, "knock yourself out" for your new band. Oh, and your lying on your back which, if attractive like MiG, will totally get you the opposite sex and gay vote. The downside, however, is if you overuse this technique and if you're small framed like MiG, you start looking like a weakling which ain't good at winning points with those "hard-core" rockers sitting in the cushy judging area. Unless you're a chick, cause everytime you fall all the all male judges will think is, "I wonder if she'd mind if we went down and dry-humped her...I think we should hire her and then say it's part of the contract" - so it'll work out pretty well, just remember that if you get the gig you'll probably hafta fuck Tommy Lee and he's not the safest sex-partner in the world - anyone who steers his boat with is dick has got issues and a not too clean wiener, man. -- PS: No, I didn't see the Tommy/Pam sex tape, I avoided it - but they showed the "hey, look, I can steer a boat with my dick!" bit on TV once...thankfully said magical dick was cut from the shot.

Be adorable. Not the Suzie "she seems sweet when not crying or insulting other contestants voices" adorable, but the "puppy, kitty, smiling baby" adorable. Once you've established this "I'm stuffed with cotton candy" personality you can pretty much get away with anything and still get thousands upon thousands of votes. I mean, who doesn't like cotton candy? Just remember, if you're a dude, you're heading into gay territory so if you're straight get yourself a regular fuck-friend...MiG had his wife and after pratically dry-humping her on that bench in front of the cameras he dispelled much of the gay rumors - good for him

Strip! Good option for guys and gals as it follows the equation of Hot Body - Clothes = Votes. Also, it shows a slightly wilder side after all that niceness which is an important thing as a rocker...especially with these new judges. You see, as a guy with all this sweetness you've been exuding while following the other MiG tips, Mr. Lee, Mr. Newstead, and Mr. (apparently you were in G 'n' R) Clarke might think you're a little uncool. Well, they'll probably call ya a " lame-o gayass" or something, but what they mean is you're uncool...removing your shirt shows you're not afraid to get a little crazy and getting the chicks to scream like banshees as you remove said shirt proves that you've got girls that wanna bang ya (guys seem to respect guys who can get chicks to wanna bang them). As a chick, showing your tits proves you're not a prude and, well, guys - especially rocker guys - like tits so you'll get major props for showin' the twins. So go ahead, remove those clothes faster than Cherry the Stripper on center-stage. -- PS: Before you ask, never actually been to a strip club; I'm not opposed to them, it's just no one's ever wanted to go with me to one and I feel sorta weird going alone.


When in doubt, split your pants. (Whaddya mean you don't get it? Look at MiG's knee, idiot!) It's the perfect mix of The Collapse, which shows your dedication to winning, and The Strip, which shows skin. This isn't a suggested technique for every performance cause then you're just the jackass who can't find pants that fit and it takes a shitload of energy to rock so hard you tear you pants (and no where near the seam no less). Oh, and if you do this every time you "rock", you'll run outta clothes faster than......I got nuthin', let's just say you'll be outta clothes really really fast.

Look like a mythical creature. Be it elf, fairy, or vampire as long as it's a pretty mythical creature it's all good. You see, people instinctually like mythical creatures and want them to - nay, know they must - succeed, so if you look like one people will vote accordingly. But again, I must stress only the pretty ones....if you look like, say, a caveman (Brandon), you will get no love. Also, looking like a mythical creature seems to give you special rocker powers like the ability to control hordes of people using just one hand (Marty) and holding a note for an obscenely long time (MiG) which is always nice. -- PS: I could not tell you how disturbing I find this MiG picture...it's like a Ken Doll's trying to molest me through a picture. Of coure, I'll tell him to stop and, cause he's "Miggy" he'll comply and walk off all sad so I'll start to feel a little bad and tell him, "fine, but just a single grope to the chest" which'll make him all happy and as his tiny, cold plastic hand touches my skin I'll hafta try to think of someting nicer - I'l think of Marty. Fuck! I just went to a really weird place, didn't I? Yeah, see, this picture is evil. EVIL!!!

Okay folks, I'm going in the oposite order that they were voted off so next time we meet it'll be Marty time! - Tooks ;-)

Learin' Rockin' From Suzie

Comment on the possbile poor quality singing voice of one of your fellow rockers within the first two minutes of getting in the mansion. - Admittedly this backfired on Suzie cause Marty rocks and she cries...but it's a noble ploy to attempt nevertheless, just make sure you're more Machiavelli and less McNeil.

Stage dive! And while doing so aim for as many as your contestants' bandmates as possible. The benefits of this are two-fold...1) You look "rock" by reality TV standards in stage diving, and 2) If you're a chick and you land on dudes and they'll get to touch your boobs, naughty bits, or your ass and you've just gotten yourself some extra votes! (Come, Dino, Bobby, and Dan - tell me you didn't throw a vote or two her way after that? haha)

Cry often. It doesn't matter if it's genuine, you just wanna pick up those sympathy votes. ...Just make sure that, if you use this tactic, to cry should you actually lose or the whole thing is lost and your fans will not follow you past the show.

Giggle nervously when interviewed - ya never know, one of the band members auditioning you might find it adorable...I didn't, but Tommy Lee might. (Note: You will have to "put out" for Tommy Lee, but that'll happen whether you use this tactic or not cause Mr. Lee's like that.

Let Dave Navarro molest ya just a little...he can put in a good word for you with the other guys. If you're a dude rocker, this isn't gonna work as well so instead just talk about how you got molest the hottest, sluttiest female contestant on the show with Dave - maybe Dave will tell the other guys, "yeah, he's cool" or something else pseudo-helpful.

Let Marty touch you! Maybe his talents will rub off on you...that and, it's fuckin' Marty man! This works almost as well if you're a guy as Marty seems pretty cool and secure enough in his heterosexual manhood to let a dude touch him - just make sure you go for a handshake or something not too touchy-feely - he IS straight ya know!

-- There's gonna be 3 more of these - MiG's, Marty's, and JD's. It's based on the idea that Marty's supposed to return to give the new rockers on RockStar:Supernova tips on being a rocker or whatever...I think The Lovehammers will also be guest performing which sorta reeks of the set up of American Idol (guest gives advice then performs), but if it's Marty and the rest of the guys guesting I don't give a shit. - Oh, and just so everyone knows "No va" means "No go" in Spanish...so, uh, yeah...Anyone think that this show might fail in Spanish speaking countries? --Tooks ;-)

Trees Music Video - by Kristen & J-Rich

Okay, so while not official this is (I believe) the funniest music video ever made...Oh, and I'd really love for this to actually be made official and put on VH1 and MTV and such cause then I know the world could enjoy the greatness that is this music vid!!!



And just in case it does work after you moan and cry in being denied here's (one of) the links for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFfP1Pef2-A

Thanks to Kristen and J-Rich for gettin me to laugh so hard I fell off my bed with tears streaming down my face. Oh, and Kristen posted on the Lh.com board that she wanted to spread the vid around so I'm gonna assume that she'll be more than cool with me posting it here! - Tooks ;-)

Cruisin' with Marty

Marty: MiG was right...this really is a nice car. Very comfy...

Car: Good morning Marty.

Marty: Oh, wow, it does talk! And in a nice female voice.

Car: Mmmm, why thank you Marty.

Marty: Uh...you're welcome...Car?

Car: Please, call me Honda.

Marty: Heh heh, okay, Honda.

Car: You know, you feel very good.

Marty: ...Huh?

Car: Your ass in my seat feels sooo good...Now put your key in my ignition and let's ride.

Marty: Oh, wow...

Marty: :whispers: Hey, Mig, what kind of things does your car say?

Mig: Um...turn right, turn left, five miles til you reach your distination...the usual. Why?

Marty: You mean it's never said anything...dirty?

Mig: Noooo, whyyy...Has yours?

Marty: Yeah...Kinda...Maybe...

Mig: I think we should just assume, from now on, that everything hits on you.

Marty: I guess so...

Yeah, so, I've kinda been having a bit of writer's block (all my creativities goin into paper and stuff for finals) and this was the best I could come up with. ...Sorry! -Tooks ;-)

One Liners

Bobby: I play the drums and they give me a fuckin' bongo...assholes.

Billy: I am Curly-Haired Ninja! Fear me!!!

Dino: Ted, I swear to gawd, another word and I'm adding all the shit leftover from last night's party. And I do mean all of it!!!

Marty: Ow shit! Guys...I fell on my keys!!!

Thanks Treefrog/Stephanie for the last pic, much love Sista! -Tooks ;-)

Causin' Car Crashes

Billy: Hey, Marty! Marty, I'd totally get away from there, man!

Marty: Why?

Dino: Chicks, dude, chicks.

Marty: Chicks?

Bobby: Yeah, chicks...you know, females, women, ladies?

Marty: :rolls eyes: What about them?

Billy: Well, they've sorta gone nuts over you.

Marty: Ha ha.

Dino: No, he's serious...chicks are crazy for you.

Marty: Even if that is true, what's that got to do with me standing on a balcony?

Bobby: We're not that far from the road...

Dino: And we ain't gettin sued cause of you.

Marty: Oh, sure like that would ever happen.

Chick in Car: MARTY!!!

:CRASH:

Bobby: Don't worry, I've already got the hospital on the line.

Billy: I'll call the lawyer!

Dino: I'll go see if she's okay!

Marty: I'll get off the balcony and come with you, Dino. Poor girl's killed her car, might as well make it worth her while.

Right, so this is a really old one but I don't have time to think of somethin' original at the moment (finals) and as far as I can remember I've never posted it here...but if I have then this'll be pulled and all will be moot. - Tooks ;-)

Bobby's Revenge

Marty: Bobby, what the hell are you doing?

Bobby: How does it feel?!? Huh, Marty, how does it feel?!?

Marty: How does what feel?

Bobby: Havin' some dude's ass in your face?

Marty: Huh?

Bobby: Every show! Every show for the past 10 plus years I've had to put up with your ass in my face! Time for some pay back!!!

Marty: Bobby...

Bobby: What?

Marty: You're a idiot.

The Adventures of Butt Nugget and Counter Boy

Little Kid: Heehee, you're a butt nugget!

Bobby: What?

Little Kid: :giggling: You're a butt nugget!

Bobby: ...You're a butt nugget.

Little Kid: Noooo, you are!

Bobby: Na ah!

Little Kid: Yeah huh!

Guy: What's with the kid calling Bobby a butt nuggest?

Dino: Oh, I paid the kid, like, five bucks to say it.

Guy: :laughing: Why?

Dino: ...Boredom mostly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marty: Hi! Welcome to Best Buy!

Lady: Well, hellooo Counter Boy.

Marty: Heh heh, and how may I help you this fine afternoon?

Lady: I'm looking for something digital...

Marty: Well Best Buy's the place for digital!

Lady: Something stimulating...

Marty: Oh?

Lady: Yeah, I need digital stimulation. Do you think you could help me with that, Counter Boy?

Marty: Ooh....aah....

Dino and Lady: :start to laugh:

Dino: :hands Lady a $20 bill: Heh heh, here's your money, thanks!

Lady: My pleasure!

Marty: Damn it, Dino! That's the second time you've pulled that prank today!

Dino: And yet you continue to fall for it...